Turning Point

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How to keep temper tantrums from becoming a way of life

by Dianne Roth

Two nights ago, my eight-year-old grandson had an impressive temper tantrum.

This tantrum was noteworthy first because it is rare for him to ignite, but also because it was triggered by something small. Tired and hungry, a bit of discipline created a volatile mix. Without his brain keeping tabs on things, his mouth was free to go ballistic. He was yelling insults and critical commentary about everyone, including himself.

Most worrisome were his confessions about being stupid and wishing he was dead. For that reason, I did not send him to his room to be alone. He had to stay in the area where I could supervise him…. And listen to him.

Where do these events come from? Every child has one now and then. The high emotion and drama of these events have the potential of becoming turning points in children’s lives. If they feed some need in the child or do not get resolved because of retaliatory punishment, the stage is set for repeat performances. But, if they are allowed to evolve naturally and come to a soft landing, I think they offer the child a chance for reflection and choice.

So, what do you do when your child is screaming insults? Put simply, I stay calm and leave the problem in the hands of the person with the problem. Which, if you understand the point of temper tantrums, drove him crazy. He wanted me to be as miserable as he was and he wanted me to do something that would allow him to prove to himself what a terrible person I was. He got neither.

I offered to serve him a plate. When we held hands to share our Gratitudes, we did not close the circle. We kept it open to include him even though he would not join us. When the other children finished their dinner, they went outside to play. I brought him to the table and put his dinner in front of him. I sat with him and listened to him.

I did not engage with his rudeness. And, I did not punish him. I chose not to take any of this personally. It was not about me. It was entirely about him. And, when his mom got home, she hugged him and sent him up to soak in a warm bath.

The next day he apologized to me and sheepishly said, “I felt pretty silly even while I was doing it.” His apology was heartfelt and spontaneous. No one said, “Tell Gram you’re sorry.” His reflection about feeling silly was genuine and humble. I asked him if he really felt stupid. He answered, “No.” I asked if he ever wished he were dead. He snickered, “No!” Then I asked, “Did you learn anything about love yesterday?” He gave me a big smile, a nod, and a great big Grandma hug.

Will temper tantrums become a way of life? I think the answer is no.

Dianne Roth is a teacher, mother, grandmother, and freelance writer. She lives in Oregon.